No more Mr. Nice Guy:
Do nice guys really finish last?
“I’ve had it. After today, I know its true, nice guys really do finish last.” This particular Facebook status expresses a common truth believed by many exasperated young men in today’s common society. In a personally conducted interview the same poster expressed “Nice guys are destined to be overlooked way more than bad guys are, and thereby destined to be thought of after the bad guy. We finish, just last. lol.” (Davis) Is it true? Do nice guys really finish last? It’s far from rare that the fact is stated. When the elements of relationships, workforce and overall success are combined, who truly wins the “race of life”? Is it the “Nice Guy” or the “Jerk”? To ones dismay, at first, research might seem to provide the answer that it is the latter. Though, a closer look will instead provide a different question: What is a “Nice Guy”? Popular culture continuously cognates the phrase with terms lacking a certain amount of self respect, such as “push-over’” “Loser” and “Clingy”. Today’s society associates being a nice guy as being a negative thing. If one were to take the term “Nice Guy” from the negative brackets common society places around it, then when redefined “Nice guys” do not in fact finish last.
“Nice guy is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture describing an adult male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits.” (McDaniel) The term “Nice guy” has become a negative association in today’s society. It is repeatedly stated that nice guys finish last. How is it that the word “Nice” which is defined as “of good character and reputation; respectable” (Free Dictionary) has come to have such a negative disposition when it is applied to people. The answer is this; these so called “Nice guys” are not as nice as they’d like to think. According to Dr. Robert Glover, therapist and author of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”,
Because Nice guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for hat they want in clear and direct ways, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met. (Glover)
It’s not to say that being nice in particular is a bad thing rather that, what these men describe as nice is only a way of avoiding conflict and creating excuses. In his book Dr. Glover describes “Nice Guy Syndrome”. The nice guy syndrome refers to a behavioral pattern in some men of being very nice to others. The typical nice guy puts other people’s needs first, always helps others, avoids confrontation, does chivalrous things, and is proud of it. His nice behavior is particularly obvious with women. The nice guy syndrome has been getting increasingly more attention in the past few years in psychology, as the less than satisfying effects it creates makes it start to lose its positive image. (Eduard)
Do nice guys really finish last?
“I’ve had it. After today, I know its true, nice guys really do finish last.” This particular Facebook status expresses a common truth believed by many exasperated young men in today’s common society. In a personally conducted interview the same poster expressed “Nice guys are destined to be overlooked way more than bad guys are, and thereby destined to be thought of after the bad guy. We finish, just last. lol.” (Davis) Is it true? Do nice guys really finish last? It’s far from rare that the fact is stated. When the elements of relationships, workforce and overall success are combined, who truly wins the “race of life”? Is it the “Nice Guy” or the “Jerk”? To ones dismay, at first, research might seem to provide the answer that it is the latter. Though, a closer look will instead provide a different question: What is a “Nice Guy”? Popular culture continuously cognates the phrase with terms lacking a certain amount of self respect, such as “push-over’” “Loser” and “Clingy”. Today’s society associates being a nice guy as being a negative thing. If one were to take the term “Nice Guy” from the negative brackets common society places around it, then when redefined “Nice guys” do not in fact finish last.
“Nice guy is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture describing an adult male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits.” (McDaniel) The term “Nice guy” has become a negative association in today’s society. It is repeatedly stated that nice guys finish last. How is it that the word “Nice” which is defined as “of good character and reputation; respectable” (Free Dictionary) has come to have such a negative disposition when it is applied to people. The answer is this; these so called “Nice guys” are not as nice as they’d like to think. According to Dr. Robert Glover, therapist and author of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”,
Because Nice guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for hat they want in clear and direct ways, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met. (Glover)
It’s not to say that being nice in particular is a bad thing rather that, what these men describe as nice is only a way of avoiding conflict and creating excuses. In his book Dr. Glover describes “Nice Guy Syndrome”. The nice guy syndrome refers to a behavioral pattern in some men of being very nice to others. The typical nice guy puts other people’s needs first, always helps others, avoids confrontation, does chivalrous things, and is proud of it. His nice behavior is particularly obvious with women. The nice guy syndrome has been getting increasingly more attention in the past few years in psychology, as the less than satisfying effects it creates makes it start to lose its positive image. (Eduard)
Fig. 1. A Cartoon illustrates the “Nice Guy” who feels that acting “Chivalrous” gives him a right to some form of compensation. (Dragoon) The reason these men calling themselves nice guys are so unhappy is that they are the owners of a fake complexity. Most of these men are only exhibiting these so called “Nice Guy” behavioral traits as means to get something that they want.
On the surface nice guys appear to be selfless, kind, caring human beings but this is far from the truth. Beneath their generous acts and humble words lurks something darker. A dark side few nice guys care to admit because nice guys aren’t really that nice. (Strandberg)
Nice Guys give to get and expect some kind of reciprocation. (Glover) When these men don’t receive what they believe to be proper compensation for their so called “Nice” actions. They become angry and resort to the familiar phrase “Nice Guys finish last” as comfort.
Their overall theme in life is one of seeking approval. They want everyone to like them because on a fundamental level they don’t like themselves. They reach out for the approval of others because they aren’t content with their own. (Glover)
People can sense when someone is not being genuine and this is the reason that these imposters are more than often rejected. Its not that women like “Jerks” better, but women seek men who are true to themselves and their own personal needs. One Urban Dictionary poster express’s this sentiment exactly in their definition of a nice guy.
A badge of martyrdom. Men who spend their most of their time whining about how women “just want to date jerks”. Oblivious to the fact that no one finds people who feel sorry for themselves attractive, much less people who blame others for their lack of success. Most self proclaimed “nice guys” are just as self-centered and misogynistic as the jerks they gripe about, they are just much more spineless. To stupid to figure why women don’t find them attractive, they conclude that in order to get laid they must treat a woman like [by waste products]. (OneBadAsp)
The reason the phrase “Nice Guys finish last” has been coined by society is the definition “Nice Guy” has come to own. The way to disprove this statement is by redefining the term nice guy. To correct the term one must first define what makes a genuine nice guy. Nice is defined as “Executed with accuracy, delicacy, and skill” and “Showing or characterized by great precision”. (Webster) Another way of redefining the term is to mirror what it has become and take the opposite on as means of definition. Therefore, if society’s perspective of a “Nice Guy” entails him to be pitiful and unhappy then a genuine nice guy would be incredibly happy and accomplished. In this case happiness would be defined by six things: good health, sufficient source of income, affection, productive work or activity, good attitude, and defined goals. (Templeton) Also, considering the argument to be that nice guys finish last, the genuine nice guy would incredibly successful. Success is defined by these factors: peace of mind, health and energy, loving relationships, financial freedom, worthy goals and personal fulfillment. (Ron) It can be noted that the factors listed for both success and happiness are closely related.
There is a misconception that being nice means not being assertive. Most people are not assertive for fear of displeasing others and of not being liked. However, although you may avoid some immediate unpleasantness by not being assertive, you could also jeopardize the relationship in the long run if you refuse to assert yourself and then feel taken advantage of over and over again. (Counseling and Mental Health Center, University of Texas at Austin) This is due to a misunderstanding of what exactly assertiveness entails. There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive. Aggressiveness is standing up for your self in ways that violate others rights. One can be what is called empathetically assertive, in a way that they understand and are sensitive to the needs of others while still ultimately fighting for what the believe to be right. Assertiveness goes hand in hand with the technical definition of nice.
In conclusion, when redefined, nice guys do not finish last. Rather those who use being nice as a tool of manipulation and an excuse to be unassertive are normally socially shunned to due lack of true personality and charisma. In terms of general success and happiness a genuine nice guy would be well liked and successful. Ideally he would be athletic, with a steady job, stable healthy relationships and ambition. If society took away the degrading stereotype and enforced a more accurate list of compliance it would be obvious that genuine nice guys are in fact ahead of the game. So if “Nice guys” come to correctly be defined as well rounded, assertive and accomplished men, then the theory that “Nice guys finish last” will be disproven and the stereotype will be broken.
Works Cited
A.K., McDaniel. Wikipedia . 25 April 2011. 2 May 2011
Davis, Aaron. Public Opinion: Do Nice Guys Finish Last Jade Patton. 2011 May 1 2011.
Dragoon, Laigh. The Girls Guide To Nice Guys (TM).
Glover, Robert. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Running Press, 2003.
RON. "How do you define sucess? Sic factors to consider." The Wisdom Journal (2008).
Strandberg, Alex. "Recovering from being a "Nice Guy"." Inner Game Refrain. 1 May 2011
Templeton, Simon. How to find happiness and keep it. n.d.
"Webster's II." Nice. Howard Webster.
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